Moments of Impact

     As different paths take us down the road to our already determined fate, I sit here and wander how I got to be who I am.  Blessed and happy with this life I realize that it is I who has defined who I have become.  There are these great memories I have that have shaped the person I have become and my greatest fear in all of this world is that some divine power will one day take them away from me.  I am not a person who needs large materialistic things but cherishes the small details that most people take for granted.  The smile of excitement on your face at the moment you see me, or the phone call just to say "Hello."  Even though I am eternally greatful for the gifts that have already been bestowed upon me I can't help but miss a piece of my former self.  I miss the fun I used to have with my girlfriends before life became responsible and at times very demanding, but I would not trade it for anything in the world for the emotion and love I feel inside when my nephew sees me and runs directly into my arms.  Funny how the road of compromise never leads to paths that cross often.  What does it take to have the best of both worlds.....something always have to give a little in order for it to work. On the flip side of things moments of impact can also be just as upsetting as happy.  The moment when you and your best friend get into a fight and it rips your inside to shreds, or learning that the person you love the most in this world is never going to be in your life again. These also change us and mold us if we let them. Somethings just don't always fit.  I have found that I seem to just fit into many peoples lives sadly they do not always fit into mine.  These are moments when I realize the individuals are here for a reason and if they stay that moment of impact rises, and a part of me blossoms.  I love that feeling.  I fear of that moment of impact is going to rise up again in the very near future, which could potentially be so impactful that it may only elude itself to be a memory.  The idea of that is very fearful but the path to happiness tells me that it will be a road I must travel down.  As I reflect on many roads once traveled I reflect on the feelings of heartache and resistance at the love I had that ended and the friendships lost along the way only to bring me to a better place.  Oh the irony. The person inside finally told me to look at the people I love and walk away.  The time shared was special and life altering but now intended to be over for new growth to take place.  Through this I find comfort in my belief of if something, anything is meant to be it will always be.  It may be delayed but nothing can stop it. Happiness is something we create and sometimes, more often than not, we sacrifice our selves for fear of losing the things we love.  How often we forget that if they are destined to leave they will no matter what decisions are made.  Our destiny is already decided & the road we take to achieve its outcome is the journey to greatness within us.  It is the things we are ashamed of, proud of, and the things we have chosen to live with or without.  All of it boils down to "Moments," of impact that define who we are.  I hope I never forget that.

My Simply Amazing Life......

In the last couple of weeks so much has happened that makes me greatful for this life.  I have amazing grandparents who have instilled wonderful things within me.....I would have to say that the number one thing I have learned was how to love. For the first time in my life I do not feel like there is anything missing.  Almost as if I am walking towards being complete.  It is such a great feeling.  I have the best family in the world and somehow I am able to intertwine them so that I can have the best of both worlds.  There is very little that makes me unhappy anymore.  My friends have become my family which makes me feel stronger everyday.  I have simply transformed into having the very best of both worlds.  I have a simply amazing life. <3

One more day with you......

  What a long, emotional week.  My grandfather died this week and it just so happened to be on the same day as my grandmother 4 years ago.  I kept asking why this was happening to me and my family and what was the purpose.  I still have yet to figure it out.  I question whether or not I trully believe in a divine power.  I know one thing....I wish I would have gotten to him sooner. When my grandma passed away I didn't go home to see her. I couldn't bear it.  I was feeling so much pain with her being sick I just could not go and watch her die.  I never got to say goodbye and today I regret it, much like I regret not following my instincts and going when I felt it were right. Now I face the same feeling of regret I did with my grandmother.  My grandparents loved me very dearly and always made sure that I knew it.  Now I can only hold on to the wonderful memories that they have given to me and pray that I never have them taken from me.  Thank You Grandma and Grandpa for providing me with such a wonderful family I am truly greatful for the gifts you have given to me.  Last night I had a crazy dream, a wish was granted just for me.  It could be for anything.  I didn't ask for money or a mansion in malibu. I someday wished for one more day with you.  One more day. One more time.  One more sunset and maybe I would be satisfied.  But then again, I know what it would do.....It would leave me wishing still for one more day with you.  One more day!  First thing I would do is pray for time to stop, I'd unplug the telephone and turn the tv off. I'd hold you every second and say a million "I love You's" Thats what I would do with one more day with you. One more day. One more time. One more sunset and maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again I know what it would do.....It would leave me wishing still for one more day with you!

A Trip back to Confusion.....

     I often find that when I fear something I take a trip back to a place called confusion.  It lives deep within my soul and makes me question everything about myself. Funny how that seems to work out that way.  So many of the decisions I have made have led me to have some of the most amazing experiences and moments in this life.  I come to a crossroads, yet again.  Maybe this is what happens when one is approaching 30.  I made a post to my wall the other day that said, "...focus on the next chapter!" I got a response from a friend of mine that expressed me having a lot of chapters in my book.  I thought about it and wondered was Eric right?  Do I still continuously change things? I do constantly.  For the past 5 years I have been working on my "self" discarding family and friends as though they were a card in a familiar game.  I still pull away when someone gets too close to me, in fact I ruin the relationship for fear of being hurt.  I often think the worse in them and imagine all of the horrible things that could happen and slowly convince myself that I should take myself out of the game.  Turns out, it is very lonely in Confusion. It is a place of solitary confinement where no one can ever get to even a locked door.  I have yet to even consider what the future holds but I know that I am terrified of getting older. The fear of losing the ones I love haunts me everyday.  As I sit here and reflect back on moments that I pray I never forget I again fear that I am missing out on the opportunity to make new ones.  So while I take another trip back to Confusion I promise all of you I won't stay long and when I am done visiting I will come back to the happy and constant in my life and hopefully make the decision to stay forever.

Special Moments.....

There are these moments I have in my life that seem completely unrealistic.  Moments that feel as though, I  myself can not understand that they are happening to me. Almost as if they are a fantasy.  I can only achieve these moments when I am with one person.  It is a sad thing when you come to the realization that you are deeply in love with someone that is completely wrong for you but still you gravitate towards them because they have given you so many of these "Special Moments."  When is the right moment to stop and say, "What am I really doing?"  That was my night 2 days ago.  Its funny how the most spectacular moments somehow are the most promising and yet deadly.  For the last 8 years I have toyed with the argument of "Soul Mates" only exist in fairytales.  Last night my realization was that I have already found my soul mate, I just don't get to paint my own portrait, someone else is painting it for me.  Things never seem to go the way I picture it.  I never knew I could have a connection that was so life altering and heart wrenching.  When he holds me I feel complete even if it only lasts for a couple of hours everything that is bothering just goes away.  The only thing I see is his heart.  I sit back and realize how dependent I am on feelings of the heart but I would like to believe that moments like the ones with Mike are real and everlasting.  For someone who hasn't made a committment to me he has given me 7 years with no indication of an ending in the near future and this is why the special moments matter.

The 30th year......

Not really sure what I was supposed to expect out of this year but I can say this much, I didn't think I would be here.  Not to say where I am is bad just really pictured something completely different.  It is rather funny how life takes you on so many unexpected journies.  Someday I will look back and have an explanation for it all, but for now I going to continue to flow through the motions and let the journey take me to my destiny.  I have to say though....thislast year has turned out to be really amazing.  My life has taken me down a path of happiness, love and comfort.  I have an exceptionally loving family and circle of friends I never knew existed.  Suprisingly the things I hated have all turned out to not be something I hated anymore.  In the course of 3 years my family has grown stronger than ever before and my friendships have gone in a thousand directions but still manage to always come back to each other.  Scary how these things work out.  I have never been more greatful for these gifts......Here is to each year only getting better. <3

The 29th Year.....

What can I say, this last week has been amazing. Week started off with a surprise performance from 100 Monkeys inside of my store, autograph signing, and group picture.  Topped off with a live performance at "Slims," in San Francisco with the girls.  What an amazing night!  The next couple of days were just all around great times.  I spend my actual Birthday with one on my bestest friends who took me to a spectacular lunch and ending with a beer enjoying the live performance of "Sugarland."  There are no words to describe how great they are.  Their music has some how changed my life and given me a realization of who am and who I still want to be.  The music has not stopped since their performance.  Saturday night topped everything off with a great evening of laughter, and some of the most amazing friendships I never have had before.  Who would have ever thought bowling would be so much fun. And if all of this wasn't enough, the rest of the evening got that much better.  Whole world can change in a minute.  Happiness is something we create and I'm not settlin for anything less than everything. <3

Everything, For You!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind.  I can withhold like its going out of style.  I can be the moodiest baby, and you've never met anyone who is as negative as I can be sometimes.  I'm the wisest woman you have ever met.  I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart you have ever seen and you've never met anyone who is as positive as I am sometimes.  You see everything, you see every part, you see all my light and you love my dark.  You dig everything of which Im ashamed.  Theres not anything to which you can't relate  And YOU'RE still here.  I blame everyone else, not my own partaking.  My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.  I'm terrified and mistrusting.  And you have never met anyone as closed down as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part, you see all my light and you love my dark.  You dig everything of which Im ashamed.  Theres not anything to which you can't relate  And YOU'RE still here.  What I resist, persists and speaks louder than I know.  What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.  I'm the funniest woman you've ever known, I'm the dullest woman you've ever known.  I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known.  And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.You see everything, you see every part, you see all my light and you love my dark.  You dig everything of which Im ashamed.  Theres not anything to which you can't relate  And YOU'RE still here.  YOU'RE still here.  YOU'RE still here.

Funny How things change....

Recently, I saw you!  In fact, I fought to see you.  You were the one who was hesitant but I needed to know one more time if what I am trying to accomplish is really what I want.  See I met someone, who is amazing, someone I could really be myself around, someone who is willing to just "BE," with me.  Before I royally f*ck up this amazing relationship that is blossoming, I needed to know if I could really be over you.  Seeing you would normally make me go weak in the knees and make my heart skip a beat, but not this time.  This time I felt like I was doing something horrible.  I used to wish that you would want and desire me more than I would you and now that day has come and I want it with someone else.  Funny how things change.  I am looking for the person who can't stop thinking about me....The person who loves me not more than I love them but equally loving each other. Someone who will let me free but trully go crazy inside until my return.  Im looking for "The One."  I wish you all the blessings that this life can bring in this world and the next and hope the next time I run into you it is not uncomfortable, hopefully you will be as happy as I always hoped you would be.  Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend. 

When I look to the Sky..........

So today was an amazing morning.  I spent it with my beautiful nephew who makes me laugh until my abdomin hurts and he is only 2.  When he left I began to do a couple of things that I had needed to get done and stumbled across an old picture of my aunt and grandmother.  Because I actually stopped to look at it for more than a few seconds I started crying uncontrollably.  I miss her so much.  She was my rock in this life.  When it rains it pours and opens doors that floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry.  Well I feel like not only is my floor flooded but at times I am drowning in everything I consider to be "Less than Perfect."  Today started off amazing and turned into another day that was not as expected.  I find myself trying to correct every mistake that I have made up until this point of my life and still feel as if I am getting kicked in the ass.  In fact I know I am.  I finally sat down facing my huge french doors of my living room and looked outside.  I closed my eyes and said you need to not be so hard on yourself.  Just as my grandma would.  "You will get everything worked out."  I always did because she was there to believe in me.  When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me and you make everything alright.  When I feel like there is know one that will ever know me, here you are to show me.  I felt like I was lost, so I picked up the phone called my mother, Just to say Hi, and felt like you just showed me my way, all because I look to you.....in the sky. I believe in myself.