Sunday, February 26, 2012
I often find that when I fear something I take a trip back to a place called confusion. It lives deep within my soul and makes me question everything about myself. Funny how that seems to work out that way. So many of the decisions I have made have led me to have some of the most amazing experiences and moments in this life. I come to a crossroads, yet again. Maybe this is what happens when one is approaching 30. I made a post to my wall the other day that said, "...focus on the next chapter!" I got a response from a friend of mine that expressed me having a lot of chapters in my book. I thought about it and wondered was Eric right? Do I still continuously change things? I do constantly. For the past 5 years I have been working on my "self" discarding family and friends as though they were a card in a familiar game. I still pull away when someone gets too close to me, in fact I ruin the relationship for fear of being hurt. I often think the worse in them and imagine all of the horrible things that could happen and slowly convince myself that I should take myself out of the game. Turns out, it is very lonely in Confusion. It is a place of solitary confinement where no one can ever get to even a locked door. I have yet to even consider what the future holds but I know that I am terrified of getting older. The fear of losing the ones I love haunts me everyday. As I sit here and reflect back on moments that I pray I never forget I again fear that I am missing out on the opportunity to make new ones. So while I take another trip back to Confusion I promise all of you I won't stay long and when I am done visiting I will come back to the happy and constant in my life and hopefully make the decision to stay forever.
Friday, February 3, 2012
There are these moments I have in my life that seem completely unrealistic. Moments that feel as though, I myself can not understand that they are happening to me. Almost as if they are a fantasy. I can only achieve these moments when I am with one person. It is a sad thing when you come to the realization that you are deeply in love with someone that is completely wrong for you but still you gravitate towards them because they have given you so many of these "Special Moments." When is the right moment to stop and say, "What am I really doing?" That was my night 2 days ago. Its funny how the most spectacular moments somehow are the most promising and yet deadly. For the last 8 years I have toyed with the argument of "Soul Mates" only exist in fairytales. Last night my realization was that I have already found my soul mate, I just don't get to paint my own portrait, someone else is painting it for me. Things never seem to go the way I picture it. I never knew I could have a connection that was so life altering and heart wrenching. When he holds me I feel complete even if it only lasts for a couple of hours everything that is bothering just goes away. The only thing I see is his heart. I sit back and realize how dependent I am on feelings of the heart but I would like to believe that moments like the ones with Mike are real and everlasting. For someone who hasn't made a committment to me he has given me 7 years with no indication of an ending in the near future and this is why the special moments matter.