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Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Trip back to Confusion.....

     I often find that when I fear something I take a trip back to a place called confusion.  It lives deep within my soul and makes me question everything about myself. Funny how that seems to work out that way.  So many of the decisions I have made have led me to have some of the most amazing experiences and moments in this life.  I come to a crossroads, yet again.  Maybe this is what happens when one is approaching 30.  I made a post to my wall the other day that said, "...focus on the next chapter!" I got a response from a friend of mine that expressed me having a lot of chapters in my book.  I thought about it and wondered was Eric right?  Do I still continuously change things? I do constantly.  For the past 5 years I have been working on my "self" discarding family and friends as though they were a card in a familiar game.  I still pull away when someone gets too close to me, in fact I ruin the relationship for fear of being hurt.  I often think the worse in them and imagine all of the horrible things that could happen and slowly convince myself that I should take myself out of the game.  Turns out, it is very lonely in Confusion. It is a place of solitary confinement where no one can ever get to even a locked door.  I have yet to even consider what the future holds but I know that I am terrified of getting older. The fear of losing the ones I love haunts me everyday.  As I sit here and reflect back on moments that I pray I never forget I again fear that I am missing out on the opportunity to make new ones.  So while I take another trip back to Confusion I promise all of you I won't stay long and when I am done visiting I will come back to the happy and constant in my life and hopefully make the decision to stay forever.

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