Who Am I?

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Too many thoughts to not get them onto a blog!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Greatful beyond belief.......

     There comes a time in every girls life when she feels special, inside and out.  She is surrounded by her friends and family and the ones that love her the most in this life.  For me that time happened on my birthdays.  I can remember when I was a little girl having 6 very special people always there to wish me happy birthday wishes and making me feel like I was the most important person in this world.  The last time I felt "that" kind of special I was almost 10 years ago.  The last time I was in the presence of those 6 people seems so very long ago.  Who are these special people you ask.  Well they were my grandparents, my mom, and my great grandma (G.G.).  Every wonderful moment I ever had included them in it, but as we get older those special people get older too.  One day we wake up and they are gone.  I feel blessed to still have half of them in my life.  The other three I constantly find myself wishing for just one more day, one more moment, but most of all I wish I could be in their arms just one more time.  Funny how you forgot they were in the same room with you when we were little but now its is very apparent that they are gone.  Growing up I had an amazing family both on my mom's side as well as my dad's I was very close to them.  Now when I look the non immediate family members I see my grandma through her sister's eyes.  I hear her through their voices, I feel her with their hugs.  It is almost as though the closest thing to having her on my birthday was bringing me them so even if only for a minute I would hear her, see her, and feel her one more time.  My grandpa used to give these really amazing hugs, they held on to you so tight you felt safe from whatever the world could do to hurt you.  My aunt and uncle came in from london to celebrate with me and when my uncle hugged me I felt my grandpa.  It was the same hug,  I didn't want to let him go and found myself hugging him at random times during his visit just so feel that feeling one more time.  The one person I have yet to feel like I can still feel is my great grandma.  I miss her the most sometimes.  I always felt this unspoken bond with her, it was undescibable something I have always wished I would get again.  I finally got it.  I didn't get a tangible feeling though.  It was not someone I could give a hug, or see their eyes, or hear a voice even.  It was not until the next morning, I got up to say goodbye to Greg and Karen and I remember thinking I felt very selfish because I was praying they would stay forever. When the car pulled away I went inside crying my eyes out and sat on the floor of the big living room looking out my big double glass french doors and there were the blue jays.  Call me crazy but she always told me Blue Jays were symbolic of goodness and protectors.  They look over their nests even from afar.  There they were sitting on the brick in my back yard staring me in the face as if a way to let me know that she was there.  Funny I always wanted the people that meant the most to me to be together again and even though I couldn't have everyone I am greatful for the ones I got.  I sometimes get lost in my life and some think I forget about them.....I never forget about anyone important to me I have now and always will love each and every one of you.  Just know that you being here was the best gift you could ever give to me.  So here is for today as well as forever and always.  


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Moments of Impact

     As different paths take us down the road to our already determined fate, I sit here and wander how I got to be who I am.  Blessed and happy with this life I realize that it is I who has defined who I have become.  There are these great memories I have that have shaped the person I have become and my greatest fear in all of this world is that some divine power will one day take them away from me.  I am not a person who needs large materialistic things but cherishes the small details that most people take for granted.  The smile of excitement on your face at the moment you see me, or the phone call just to say "Hello."  Even though I am eternally greatful for the gifts that have already been bestowed upon me I can't help but miss a piece of my former self.  I miss the fun I used to have with my girlfriends before life became responsible and at times very demanding, but I would not trade it for anything in the world for the emotion and love I feel inside when my nephew sees me and runs directly into my arms.  Funny how the road of compromise never leads to paths that cross often.  What does it take to have the best of both worlds.....something always have to give a little in order for it to work. On the flip side of things moments of impact can also be just as upsetting as happy.  The moment when you and your best friend get into a fight and it rips your inside to shreds, or learning that the person you love the most in this world is never going to be in your life again. These also change us and mold us if we let them. Somethings just don't always fit.  I have found that I seem to just fit into many peoples lives sadly they do not always fit into mine.  These are moments when I realize the individuals are here for a reason and if they stay that moment of impact rises, and a part of me blossoms.  I love that feeling.  I fear of that moment of impact is going to rise up again in the very near future, which could potentially be so impactful that it may only elude itself to be a memory.  The idea of that is very fearful but the path to happiness tells me that it will be a road I must travel down.  As I reflect on many roads once traveled I reflect on the feelings of heartache and resistance at the love I had that ended and the friendships lost along the way only to bring me to a better place.  Oh the irony. The person inside finally told me to look at the people I love and walk away.  The time shared was special and life altering but now intended to be over for new growth to take place.  Through this I find comfort in my belief of if something, anything is meant to be it will always be.  It may be delayed but nothing can stop it. Happiness is something we create and sometimes, more often than not, we sacrifice our selves for fear of losing the things we love.  How often we forget that if they are destined to leave they will no matter what decisions are made.  Our destiny is already decided & the road we take to achieve its outcome is the journey to greatness within us.  It is the things we are ashamed of, proud of, and the things we have chosen to live with or without.  All of it boils down to "Moments," of impact that define who we are.  I hope I never forget that.

Monday, April 16, 2012

My Simply Amazing Life......

In the last couple of weeks so much has happened that makes me greatful for this life.  I have amazing grandparents who have instilled wonderful things within me.....I would have to say that the number one thing I have learned was how to love. For the first time in my life I do not feel like there is anything missing.  Almost as if I am walking towards being complete.  It is such a great feeling.  I have the best family in the world and somehow I am able to intertwine them so that I can have the best of both worlds.  There is very little that makes me unhappy anymore.  My friends have become my family which makes me feel stronger everyday.  I have simply transformed into having the very best of both worlds.  I have a simply amazing life. <3

Monday, March 26, 2012

One more day with you......

  What a long, emotional week.  My grandfather died this week and it just so happened to be on the same day as my grandmother 4 years ago.  I kept asking why this was happening to me and my family and what was the purpose.  I still have yet to figure it out.  I question whether or not I trully believe in a divine power.  I know one thing....I wish I would have gotten to him sooner. When my grandma passed away I didn't go home to see her. I couldn't bear it.  I was feeling so much pain with her being sick I just could not go and watch her die.  I never got to say goodbye and today I regret it, much like I regret not following my instincts and going when I felt it were right. Now I face the same feeling of regret I did with my grandmother.  My grandparents loved me very dearly and always made sure that I knew it.  Now I can only hold on to the wonderful memories that they have given to me and pray that I never have them taken from me.  Thank You Grandma and Grandpa for providing me with such a wonderful family I am truly greatful for the gifts you have given to me.  Last night I had a crazy dream, a wish was granted just for me.  It could be for anything.  I didn't ask for money or a mansion in malibu. I someday wished for one more day with you.  One more day. One more time.  One more sunset and maybe I would be satisfied.  But then again, I know what it would do.....It would leave me wishing still for one more day with you.  One more day!  First thing I would do is pray for time to stop, I'd unplug the telephone and turn the tv off. I'd hold you every second and say a million "I love You's" Thats what I would do with one more day with you. One more day. One more time. One more sunset and maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again I know what it would do.....It would leave me wishing still for one more day with you!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Trip back to Confusion.....

     I often find that when I fear something I take a trip back to a place called confusion.  It lives deep within my soul and makes me question everything about myself. Funny how that seems to work out that way.  So many of the decisions I have made have led me to have some of the most amazing experiences and moments in this life.  I come to a crossroads, yet again.  Maybe this is what happens when one is approaching 30.  I made a post to my wall the other day that said, "...focus on the next chapter!" I got a response from a friend of mine that expressed me having a lot of chapters in my book.  I thought about it and wondered was Eric right?  Do I still continuously change things? I do constantly.  For the past 5 years I have been working on my "self" discarding family and friends as though they were a card in a familiar game.  I still pull away when someone gets too close to me, in fact I ruin the relationship for fear of being hurt.  I often think the worse in them and imagine all of the horrible things that could happen and slowly convince myself that I should take myself out of the game.  Turns out, it is very lonely in Confusion. It is a place of solitary confinement where no one can ever get to even a locked door.  I have yet to even consider what the future holds but I know that I am terrified of getting older. The fear of losing the ones I love haunts me everyday.  As I sit here and reflect back on moments that I pray I never forget I again fear that I am missing out on the opportunity to make new ones.  So while I take another trip back to Confusion I promise all of you I won't stay long and when I am done visiting I will come back to the happy and constant in my life and hopefully make the decision to stay forever.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Special Moments.....

There are these moments I have in my life that seem completely unrealistic.  Moments that feel as though, I  myself can not understand that they are happening to me. Almost as if they are a fantasy.  I can only achieve these moments when I am with one person.  It is a sad thing when you come to the realization that you are deeply in love with someone that is completely wrong for you but still you gravitate towards them because they have given you so many of these "Special Moments."  When is the right moment to stop and say, "What am I really doing?"  That was my night 2 days ago.  Its funny how the most spectacular moments somehow are the most promising and yet deadly.  For the last 8 years I have toyed with the argument of "Soul Mates" only exist in fairytales.  Last night my realization was that I have already found my soul mate, I just don't get to paint my own portrait, someone else is painting it for me.  Things never seem to go the way I picture it.  I never knew I could have a connection that was so life altering and heart wrenching.  When he holds me I feel complete even if it only lasts for a couple of hours everything that is bothering just goes away.  The only thing I see is his heart.  I sit back and realize how dependent I am on feelings of the heart but I would like to believe that moments like the ones with Mike are real and everlasting.  For someone who hasn't made a committment to me he has given me 7 years with no indication of an ending in the near future and this is why the special moments matter.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The 30th year......

Not really sure what I was supposed to expect out of this year but I can say this much, I didn't think I would be here.  Not to say where I am is bad just really pictured something completely different.  It is rather funny how life takes you on so many unexpected journies.  Someday I will look back and have an explanation for it all, but for now I going to continue to flow through the motions and let the journey take me to my destiny.  I have to say though....thislast year has turned out to be really amazing.  My life has taken me down a path of happiness, love and comfort.  I have an exceptionally loving family and circle of friends I never knew existed.  Suprisingly the things I hated have all turned out to not be something I hated anymore.  In the course of 3 years my family has grown stronger than ever before and my friendships have gone in a thousand directions but still manage to always come back to each other.  Scary how these things work out.  I have never been more greatful for these gifts......Here is to each year only getting better. <3